Phil's Catalog of Metaphors, Similes, Analogies, and Stupid Sayings

In my job I am frequently called upon to explain fairly complex technology to laypeople. It is because of this that I share with Ross Perot the penchant for reliance on metaphors, similes, analogies, and frankly, silly sayings. It is my intention to try and capture these sayings in this post. So what follows, in no particular order, are as many of these "Phil-isms" as I can think of. If I've missed some, please add them in the comments.

1. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. This one has many uses. If you find someone stuck in a creative rut, it may help them to break free from it. As often happens in the technology world, developers find what they think is the niftiest tool ever and use it for everything, even when it is clearly not warranted.

2. Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield. Used as a bring-down for someone who needs to be reminded about humility. Conversely can be used to cheer someone up when they're down.

3. Sometimes you need to burn the ships. A reference to 16th century Spanish conqueror Cortez, who found that his men fought harder if the ships they'd sailed to Mexico in had been burned, thus cutting off any possible retreat. This is frequently used with bravado during organizational process change, to communicate that there is no going back so don't fight us on this one.

4. That's a solution in search of a problem. Technology is frequently developed without a business problem in mind, so a problem is invented to sell the technology. Best example - digital cameras in phone. Customer: "Wow, I didn't even know I wanted a camera in my phone." Designer: "You don't, but it fit and marketing thought they could sell it."

5. Boiled frogs Ah, the parable of the boiled frog (perhaps a French proverb?). Maybe this is from the bible. I don't know, frankly, where this came from. I found the most succinct description on allaboutfrogs.org. If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But if you put a frog in a kettle filled with cool pleasant water, then gradually heat the kettle, the frog will not be aware of the threat until it is too late. Al Gore uses this story in An Inconvenient Truth.

The point? One must be aware of gradual dangers just as one must be aware of sudden dangers. It depends on how big you want to go with it. It could be the gradual erosion of worker's rights and benefits. Damn those giant corporate monoliths! It could also explain the catatonic expressions of workers in America's cubicle farms. It's enough to make you grab any random rush hour driver and scream "Jump out of the pot! Before it's too late!" Thinking of the boiled frog makes me want to kill myself. Or change jobs.

6. Bucket of crabs I just recently learned this one and have just begun working it into my repertoire. This story is this: you have a bucket of crabs, and one of the crabs on top tries to crawl out of the bucket, the others below it will pull it back down. I heard this one in a class purportedly on how to implement organizational change. The message? If you want to implement change, people will try to drag you down? I thought that was pretty dumb. I see this as more of a "watch your back" kind of thing. Success breeds jealousy. In many cases, it holds leaders back. They don't want to be the crab dragged back to the pack. That's why it's hard to be a leader. If it was easy to be a leader, everyone would do it. And there'd be no one to lead.

7. Shut off the water. This is a story I heard while working at a previous employer. An executive, we'll call him Dave, inherited a group of managers whose previous boss, beloved by all, had been "downsized". We'll call the downsized executive Jerry. Jerry was a tyrannical micromanager - so much so, that none of his direct reports - all managers themselves - was capable of making a decision without Jerry's input. In other words, Jerry was making all the decisions.

These managers were responsible for a continuing operations process that was in disarray. And every minute it continued to be in disarray, it caused the company to lose even more money. While Dave explained the gravity of the situation to these managers - layoffs, plant closings, etc - they didn't seem to understand. So he said, "Look, it's like you come home from work and there's water all over the kitchen floor. The kitchen sink is clogged and the faucet is running. What should you do first?"

After a short silence, one of the managers quipped, "Get a mop," which elicited laughter from the rest of the managers. But not Dave. Dave said, "No. You shut off the g***amn water."

So what's this one good for? I'm not really sure, I guess. I guess this is one that may mean more to me than anyone else. To me it means that bad business processes need to be stopped ASAP. Cleaning up while the mess is still being made is a waste of energy.

8. If you want to run with the dogs, you can't play with the puppies. This sounds like it came right from the mouth of Ross Perot. It didn't - well, I didn't hear it from him. I heard it from one of my older brothers - though he doesn't remember saying it. So maybe I made it up. Who knows?

To me it means - "if you want to be considered an adult, you have to act like one." Or, if you want to be a leader in your industry, don't act like one of the little competitors.

9. The one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind. Reference to a short story I read in 8th grade by H.G. Wells entitled The Country of the Blind. Usually when I refer to it I mean it to be having a partial skill that no one else around you has. However, in the story, a perfectly sighted man arrives in a place where everyone is blind. Only the concept of sight has no meaning to the people, so they think he's nuts. While he works to show them his "better way", they only become more resolute. It's probably a topic for an entire blog posting.

10. My pants are tenting! An obviously vulgar expression of excitement over an idea or situation. Used entirely in social situations. Not useful in a work setting. And only useful for men, until the running joke is established with a group of women. Once in on the joke, it's very funny coming from a woman.