Part 2 - Phil's Catalog of Metaphors, Similes, Analogies, and Stupid Sayings

Of course I missed some of my "phil-isms" in my previous post, so here I will add to the list. Again, please add ones I've missed in the comments.

1. Polishing the turd. I first heard this in a software development context. At a previous employer (whose acronym might stand for Amalgamated Diversified Corporation) there was a group of rogue software developers who were considered by the IT group to be a bunch of hacks. This rogue group had developed a relatively simple document management system which they themselves considered technology similar to the 1969 moon landing in complexity and scope. And they kept adding goofy little features to it. So the IT group referred to this incessant need to accessorize their system as "polishing the turd".

I've extended - er, generalized - the term in many ways. For example, when you have a task that you are 90% finished with, that last 10% can be a real pain in the ass to finish. So I refer to the last 10% of a long, tedious task as "polishing the turd". Or if you're in a team environment, and you start a task then hand it off to someone else to complete, they are "polishing your turd". If you're creative you can work it in to many situations.

2. If you have to eat a turd, don't dawdle. Replaces "let's get this over with" in a much more colorful way.

3. Drinking from a firehose. Pretty commonly used these days, though I don't believe it used to be. Just another term for being overwhelmed. I have also heard the variant, "I'm drinking from a firehose - not getting much and what I do get hurts".

4. You ask him what time it is and he tells you how to build a watch. Also heard this one first at good old Amalgamated Diversified Corporation. This is a typical response you get when you ask an Engineer a question about something in their field of expertise - especially if you show even a hint of interest. I guess they (we?) just can't help themselves (ourselves). Yes, I'm an Engineer. Many Engineers suffer from Aspberger's Syndrome, so they won't notice the glazed eyes of their poor listener. I guess you have to sacrifice something to withstand 3 years of calculus and physics.

5. I'd rather slide naked down a 50-foot razorblade - or I'd rather stick an icepick in my forehead The former is from a Matt Groening book; the latter I made up (I think). Expressions used when wanting to escape from a bad situation - usually group meeting related.