Of course I missed some of my "phil-isms" in my previous post, so here I will add to the list. Again, please add ones I've missed in the comments.
1. Polishing the turd. I first heard this in a software development context. At a previous employer (whose acronym might stand for Amalgamated Diversified Corporation) there was a group of rogue software developers who were considered by the IT group to be a bunch of hacks. This rogue group had developed a relatively simple document management system which they themselves considered technology similar to the 1969 moon landing in complexity and scope. And they kept adding goofy little features to it. So the IT group referred to this incessant need to accessorize their system as "polishing the turd".
I've extended - er, generalized - the term in many ways. For example, when you have a task that you are 90% finished with, that last 10% can be a real pain in the ass to finish. So I refer to the last 10% of a long, tedious task as "polishing the turd". Or if you're in a team environment, and you start a task then hand it off to someone else to complete, they are "polishing your turd". If you're creative you can work it in to many situations.
2. If you have to eat a turd, don't dawdle. Replaces "let's get this over with" in a much more colorful way.
3. Drinking from a firehose. Pretty commonly used these days, though I don't believe it used to be. Just another term for being overwhelmed. I have also heard the variant, "I'm drinking from a firehose - not getting much and what I do get hurts".
4. You ask him what time it is and he tells you how to build a watch. Also heard this one first at good old Amalgamated Diversified Corporation. This is a typical response you get when you ask an Engineer a question about something in their field of expertise - especially if you show even a hint of interest. I guess they (we?) just can't help themselves (ourselves). Yes, I'm an Engineer. Many Engineers suffer from Aspberger's Syndrome, so they won't notice the glazed eyes of their poor listener. I guess you have to sacrifice something to withstand 3 years of calculus and physics.
5. I'd rather slide naked down a 50-foot razorblade - or I'd rather stick an icepick in my forehead The former is from a Matt Groening book; the latter I made up (I think). Expressions used when wanting to escape from a bad situation - usually group meeting related.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Death Toll Update
10-21-06 - 1 dead mouse found in basement, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
10-23-06 - 1 dead mouse found in basement, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
Well, the pace is slowing a bit. I'm down to 1 dead mouse every other day. That brings this season's total to 12. Last year I killed about twice that.
10-23-06 - 1 dead mouse found in basement, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
Well, the pace is slowing a bit. I'm down to 1 dead mouse every other day. That brings this season's total to 12. Last year I killed about twice that.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Phil's Catalog of Metaphors, Similes, Analogies, and Stupid Sayings
In my job I am frequently called upon to explain fairly complex technology to laypeople. It is because of this that I share with Ross Perot the penchant for reliance on metaphors, similes, analogies, and frankly, silly sayings. It is my intention to try and capture these sayings in this post. So what follows, in no particular order, are as many of these "Phil-isms" as I can think of. If I've missed some, please add them in the comments.
1. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. This one has many uses. If you find someone stuck in a creative rut, it may help them to break free from it. As often happens in the technology world, developers find what they think is the niftiest tool ever and use it for everything, even when it is clearly not warranted.
2. Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield. Used as a bring-down for someone who needs to be reminded about humility. Conversely can be used to cheer someone up when they're down.
3. Sometimes you need to burn the ships. A reference to 16th century Spanish conqueror Cortez, who found that his men fought harder if the ships they'd sailed to Mexico in had been burned, thus cutting off any possible retreat. This is frequently used with bravado during organizational process change, to communicate that there is no going back so don't fight us on this one.
4. That's a solution in search of a problem. Technology is frequently developed without a business problem in mind, so a problem is invented to sell the technology. Best example - digital cameras in phone. Customer: "Wow, I didn't even know I wanted a camera in my phone." Designer: "You don't, but it fit and marketing thought they could sell it."
5. Boiled frogs Ah, the parable of the boiled frog (perhaps a French proverb?). Maybe this is from the bible. I don't know, frankly, where this came from. I found the most succinct description on allaboutfrogs.org. If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But if you put a frog in a kettle filled with cool pleasant water, then gradually heat the kettle, the frog will not be aware of the threat until it is too late. Al Gore uses this story in An Inconvenient Truth.
The point? One must be aware of gradual dangers just as one must be aware of sudden dangers. It depends on how big you want to go with it. It could be the gradual erosion of worker's rights and benefits. Damn those giant corporate monoliths! It could also explain the catatonic expressions of workers in America's cubicle farms. It's enough to make you grab any random rush hour driver and scream "Jump out of the pot! Before it's too late!" Thinking of the boiled frog makes me want to kill myself. Or change jobs.
6. Bucket of crabs I just recently learned this one and have just begun working it into my repertoire. This story is this: you have a bucket of crabs, and one of the crabs on top tries to crawl out of the bucket, the others below it will pull it back down. I heard this one in a class purportedly on how to implement organizational change. The message? If you want to implement change, people will try to drag you down? I thought that was pretty dumb. I see this as more of a "watch your back" kind of thing. Success breeds jealousy. In many cases, it holds leaders back. They don't want to be the crab dragged back to the pack. That's why it's hard to be a leader. If it was easy to be a leader, everyone would do it. And there'd be no one to lead.
7. Shut off the water. This is a story I heard while working at a previous employer. An executive, we'll call him Dave, inherited a group of managers whose previous boss, beloved by all, had been "downsized". We'll call the downsized executive Jerry. Jerry was a tyrannical micromanager - so much so, that none of his direct reports - all managers themselves - was capable of making a decision without Jerry's input. In other words, Jerry was making all the decisions.
These managers were responsible for a continuing operations process that was in disarray. And every minute it continued to be in disarray, it caused the company to lose even more money. While Dave explained the gravity of the situation to these managers - layoffs, plant closings, etc - they didn't seem to understand. So he said, "Look, it's like you come home from work and there's water all over the kitchen floor. The kitchen sink is clogged and the faucet is running. What should you do first?"
After a short silence, one of the managers quipped, "Get a mop," which elicited laughter from the rest of the managers. But not Dave. Dave said, "No. You shut off the g***amn water."
So what's this one good for? I'm not really sure, I guess. I guess this is one that may mean more to me than anyone else. To me it means that bad business processes need to be stopped ASAP. Cleaning up while the mess is still being made is a waste of energy.
8. If you want to run with the dogs, you can't play with the puppies. This sounds like it came right from the mouth of Ross Perot. It didn't - well, I didn't hear it from him. I heard it from one of my older brothers - though he doesn't remember saying it. So maybe I made it up. Who knows?
To me it means - "if you want to be considered an adult, you have to act like one." Or, if you want to be a leader in your industry, don't act like one of the little competitors.
9. The one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind. Reference to a short story I read in 8th grade by H.G. Wells entitled The Country of the Blind. Usually when I refer to it I mean it to be having a partial skill that no one else around you has. However, in the story, a perfectly sighted man arrives in a place where everyone is blind. Only the concept of sight has no meaning to the people, so they think he's nuts. While he works to show them his "better way", they only become more resolute. It's probably a topic for an entire blog posting.
10. My pants are tenting! An obviously vulgar expression of excitement over an idea or situation. Used entirely in social situations. Not useful in a work setting. And only useful for men, until the running joke is established with a group of women. Once in on the joke, it's very funny coming from a woman.
1. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. This one has many uses. If you find someone stuck in a creative rut, it may help them to break free from it. As often happens in the technology world, developers find what they think is the niftiest tool ever and use it for everything, even when it is clearly not warranted.
2. Sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield. Used as a bring-down for someone who needs to be reminded about humility. Conversely can be used to cheer someone up when they're down.
3. Sometimes you need to burn the ships. A reference to 16th century Spanish conqueror Cortez, who found that his men fought harder if the ships they'd sailed to Mexico in had been burned, thus cutting off any possible retreat. This is frequently used with bravado during organizational process change, to communicate that there is no going back so don't fight us on this one.
4. That's a solution in search of a problem. Technology is frequently developed without a business problem in mind, so a problem is invented to sell the technology. Best example - digital cameras in phone. Customer: "Wow, I didn't even know I wanted a camera in my phone." Designer: "You don't, but it fit and marketing thought they could sell it."
5. Boiled frogs Ah, the parable of the boiled frog (perhaps a French proverb?). Maybe this is from the bible. I don't know, frankly, where this came from. I found the most succinct description on allaboutfrogs.org. If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will leap out right away to escape the danger. But if you put a frog in a kettle filled with cool pleasant water, then gradually heat the kettle, the frog will not be aware of the threat until it is too late. Al Gore uses this story in An Inconvenient Truth.
The point? One must be aware of gradual dangers just as one must be aware of sudden dangers. It depends on how big you want to go with it. It could be the gradual erosion of worker's rights and benefits. Damn those giant corporate monoliths! It could also explain the catatonic expressions of workers in America's cubicle farms. It's enough to make you grab any random rush hour driver and scream "Jump out of the pot! Before it's too late!" Thinking of the boiled frog makes me want to kill myself. Or change jobs.
6. Bucket of crabs I just recently learned this one and have just begun working it into my repertoire. This story is this: you have a bucket of crabs, and one of the crabs on top tries to crawl out of the bucket, the others below it will pull it back down. I heard this one in a class purportedly on how to implement organizational change. The message? If you want to implement change, people will try to drag you down? I thought that was pretty dumb. I see this as more of a "watch your back" kind of thing. Success breeds jealousy. In many cases, it holds leaders back. They don't want to be the crab dragged back to the pack. That's why it's hard to be a leader. If it was easy to be a leader, everyone would do it. And there'd be no one to lead.
7. Shut off the water. This is a story I heard while working at a previous employer. An executive, we'll call him Dave, inherited a group of managers whose previous boss, beloved by all, had been "downsized". We'll call the downsized executive Jerry. Jerry was a tyrannical micromanager - so much so, that none of his direct reports - all managers themselves - was capable of making a decision without Jerry's input. In other words, Jerry was making all the decisions.
These managers were responsible for a continuing operations process that was in disarray. And every minute it continued to be in disarray, it caused the company to lose even more money. While Dave explained the gravity of the situation to these managers - layoffs, plant closings, etc - they didn't seem to understand. So he said, "Look, it's like you come home from work and there's water all over the kitchen floor. The kitchen sink is clogged and the faucet is running. What should you do first?"
After a short silence, one of the managers quipped, "Get a mop," which elicited laughter from the rest of the managers. But not Dave. Dave said, "No. You shut off the g***amn water."
So what's this one good for? I'm not really sure, I guess. I guess this is one that may mean more to me than anyone else. To me it means that bad business processes need to be stopped ASAP. Cleaning up while the mess is still being made is a waste of energy.
8. If you want to run with the dogs, you can't play with the puppies. This sounds like it came right from the mouth of Ross Perot. It didn't - well, I didn't hear it from him. I heard it from one of my older brothers - though he doesn't remember saying it. So maybe I made it up. Who knows?
To me it means - "if you want to be considered an adult, you have to act like one." Or, if you want to be a leader in your industry, don't act like one of the little competitors.
9. The one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind. Reference to a short story I read in 8th grade by H.G. Wells entitled The Country of the Blind. Usually when I refer to it I mean it to be having a partial skill that no one else around you has. However, in the story, a perfectly sighted man arrives in a place where everyone is blind. Only the concept of sight has no meaning to the people, so they think he's nuts. While he works to show them his "better way", they only become more resolute. It's probably a topic for an entire blog posting.
10. My pants are tenting! An obviously vulgar expression of excitement over an idea or situation. Used entirely in social situations. Not useful in a work setting. And only useful for men, until the running joke is established with a group of women. Once in on the joke, it's very funny coming from a woman.
Death Toll Jumps to 10
10-18-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement, heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
10-19-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement, heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
When will it stop?
10-19-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement, heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
When will it stop?
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Death Toll Rises to 6
10-17-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement, heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
There seems to be no end to these little b*stards. More later.
There seems to be no end to these little b*stards. More later.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Missing Trap Update
Found it. No super mice. Cats must have toyed with carcass after death. Rotting corpse still not stinky.
10-15-06 - dead mouse found under ping pong table, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
10-15-06 - dead mouse found under ping pong table, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Missing Trap
10-13-06 - dead mouse found in hallway to bedrooms, head crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mousetrap. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head.
But even more problematic, one of my Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps is missing.
Some background: I have 2 traps that I set out, about 12 inches from each other, in the basement. I will frequently arrive to find 2 dead mice, one in each trap. Which makes me wonder about the intellect of the 2nd mouse. The loud crack, followed by the motionlessness of his buddy, wasn't that a good indication that these darn traps may just be lethal, or at least injurious? Like they say, mice just cannot resist peanut butter. But who can? Really.
This morning one or both of the cats had dragged one of last night's kills to the hallway. But what of the other trap? Three thoughts come to mind:
1. The cats dragged it somewhere I haven't found yet. This might be okay, because eventually the smell of the rotting carcas will reveal its location. I just hope it's easy to reach.
OR
2. The trap snapped on the mouse's tail or other extremity. Then the mouse limped off somewhere and escaped the trap. If this is the case, I'll find the trap eventually, probably in 30 years when we finally move out of the house.
OR
3. We are breeding some kind of super-mice, capable of surviving a sudden blunt head trauma. Not only surviving, but perhaps even thriving, wearing the trap as a hat, or in mouse civilization, an alpha-male symbol of dominance. It is as if this mouse is saying "I'm immortal. Nothing can hurt me. See - I'm so tough I'm wearing a mouse trap as head accessory! Take that, man!"
I suspect it was #1, but I'm not going to rule out #3 until I find the trap.
But even more problematic, one of my Better Mousetrap brand mousetraps is missing.
Some background: I have 2 traps that I set out, about 12 inches from each other, in the basement. I will frequently arrive to find 2 dead mice, one in each trap. Which makes me wonder about the intellect of the 2nd mouse. The loud crack, followed by the motionlessness of his buddy, wasn't that a good indication that these darn traps may just be lethal, or at least injurious? Like they say, mice just cannot resist peanut butter. But who can? Really.
This morning one or both of the cats had dragged one of last night's kills to the hallway. But what of the other trap? Three thoughts come to mind:
1. The cats dragged it somewhere I haven't found yet. This might be okay, because eventually the smell of the rotting carcas will reveal its location. I just hope it's easy to reach.
OR
2. The trap snapped on the mouse's tail or other extremity. Then the mouse limped off somewhere and escaped the trap. If this is the case, I'll find the trap eventually, probably in 30 years when we finally move out of the house.
OR
3. We are breeding some kind of super-mice, capable of surviving a sudden blunt head trauma. Not only surviving, but perhaps even thriving, wearing the trap as a hat, or in mouse civilization, an alpha-male symbol of dominance. It is as if this mouse is saying "I'm immortal. Nothing can hurt me. See - I'm so tough I'm wearing a mouse trap as head accessory! Take that, man!"
I suspect it was #1, but I'm not going to rule out #3 until I find the trap.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Death Toll Update from Murder-tonka
10-11-06 - 1 dead mousefound in basement. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to head. Victim found face down in Better Mousetrap brand mouse traps. Status: closed.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Death Toll
Tis the season. Now that it has begun to get cold at night, I have visitors in my basement again. So I thought I'd use the blog to publish my seasonal death toll. Sort of the same way the media tracks murders in the cities. So here goes.
10-3-06 - dead mouse found in hallway to bedrooms. Cause of death: predator, probably house cat. Victim found face up - likely posed by murderer to look like a break-in gone awry. Status: under investigation, low likelihood of being solved due to apathy.
10-8-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to heads. Victims found with heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mouse traps. Status: closed.
Keep watching for further updates.
10-3-06 - dead mouse found in hallway to bedrooms. Cause of death: predator, probably house cat. Victim found face up - likely posed by murderer to look like a break-in gone awry. Status: under investigation, low likelihood of being solved due to apathy.
10-8-06 - 2 dead mice found in basement. Cause of death: sudden blunt trauma to heads. Victims found with heads crushed and stuck in Better Mousetrap brand mouse traps. Status: closed.
Keep watching for further updates.
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