Here are the questions that James Lipton asks each guest at the end of the show (Inside the Actors Studio) and my answers:
1. What is your favorite word?
Glazed breasts and sticky buns. So many, many connotations.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Shizzle. What the f**k is that derived from?
3. What turns you on?
Glazed breasts and sticky buns.
4. What turns you off?
Seeing mediocrity awarded with acclaim.
5. What sound or noise do you love?
My wife and kids laughing. Anyone laughing.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of anything that comes in contact with styrofoam raises the hairs on my neck.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Are you kidding? Are you f**king kidding?
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Celebrity writer - a writer who IS a celebrity, not a writer who writes about celebrities.
9. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Pediatric Oncology.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? To me: "Ha, you were wrong. And don't worry. Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell, and Pat Robertson will never be here.
You'll be staying in the 'Glazed Breasts and Sticky Buns' wing. Enjoy!"
Friday, June 30, 2006
Things You Don't Want a Co-Worker to Say to You
1. I think I saw someone run into your car.
2. Someone in HR accidentally emailed your salary to everyone in the company.
3. I'd like you to be in charge while everyone else in the department is on vacation.
4. You left your magazine in the first stall.
5. Did you hear? They've laid off X people today. And, on a completely unrelated topic - your boss is looking for you.
6. I'd like you to speak at the all-hands meeting.
7. I think I saw the CEO run into your car.
8. I'm pretty sure I ate your lunch from the fridge. You can have mine. Oh wait, I forgot mine.
9. So you're wearing red underwear today?
10. When I masturbate, I think about you.
2. Someone in HR accidentally emailed your salary to everyone in the company.
3. I'd like you to be in charge while everyone else in the department is on vacation.
4. You left your magazine in the first stall.
5. Did you hear? They've laid off X people today. And, on a completely unrelated topic - your boss is looking for you.
6. I'd like you to speak at the all-hands meeting.
7. I think I saw the CEO run into your car.
8. I'm pretty sure I ate your lunch from the fridge. You can have mine. Oh wait, I forgot mine.
9. So you're wearing red underwear today?
10. When I masturbate, I think about you.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Watching Time Go By
Date: Memorial Day 2006
Time: 9:11am
Setting: my bedroom, curtains drawn
This isn't going where you think. A few months ago, I bought Katie a new alarm clock. More convenient than the famed "Clapper", this alarm clock projects the time onto the ceiling directly above the bed. So, to see the time, you must only lay on your back and stare at the ceiling. (Which has led us to timing activities that really shouldn't be timed - nudge, nudge, wink, wink. But that topic is for a different time...)
Being a non-working day, Katie slept in, as she is want to do. I was already up with the kids, but came back in to dress for the day. For some reason, I jumped back into bed with Katie.
"What are we doing today?" she asked.
"I don't know." I lay next to her, staring at - you guessed it - the time projected on the ceiling. The digital readout said 9:11.
Owen popped into the room. "What sleeves should I wear today?" Which is his way of asking if he should wear long or short sleeves. Katie motioned for him to join us on the bed, which he did. He too stared at the ceiling time.
"What do you want to do today?" Katie asked Owen. Then the clock "flicked" to 9:12, which we all acknowledged with a brief pause in our conversation. Just a slight hesitation, not a conscious pause.
He told us (I don't even remember now weeks later) and Katie told him to go get Jackson and have him come to our room, which he did. But not before more brief pauses at 9:13, 9:14 and 9:15.
Jackson entered and Katie motioned for him to join us on the bed. 9:16. "What do you want to do today, Jackson?"
"Cool," he stared up at the time on the ceiling. "How does that work?" Katie pointed to her nightstand, then ran her hand through the projection to show him how it worked. 9:17. He giggled when it switched.
The 3 of us stared for a few more minutes, blurting "there" or "oh" when the clock changed. We couldn't take our eyes off the clock.
Finally we asked Jackson to go get Megan so we could see what she wanted to do. Owen rejoined us, this time under the sheets, followed in short order by Jackson (also under the covers). Then Megan entered, staring incredulously at her 2 brothers and her parents, laying abreast and tucked snugly into our bed, staring rather intently at the ceiling in a semi-darkened room.
"What are you guys doing?"
"Staring at the clock," I said. "There it goes," we all said as it jumped to 9:20 the second I finished saying the word "clock".
Megan laughed at us, not with us.
"What do you want to do today?" Katie asked Megan.
Megan smushed her way onto the bed with us. We now lay 5 abreast in our queen sized bed. 9:21. We all grunt acknowledgement of the time change.
For the next few minutes we chat about the day - we decide on Over the Hedge and a bike ride. Each minute we stop and acknowledge the time change, either with a surprised giggle or a new convention, first put forward by Jackson, where the first one to say the new time got to ... well, say the new time. It was its own reward.
9:32
"Okay, everyone be quiet until 9:33," I say, mostly because I like to make rules. The room goes silent. You can feel the anticipation. Waiting. Waiting.
Owen can't handle it and giggles. Jackson shushes him.
More waiting. "Wow, long minute," I think.
9:33. The room erupts with laughter. Belly laughs. No, hernia-inducing laughs. We laugh to release the pent up anticipation. We laugh at ourselves. I mean, how silly is this?
After a few more minutes, Megan departs. She's finally decided she's too cool for this - she's almost a teenager now, you know.
At 9:50 we are ready to leave. "We can't go until 10:00" I declare. "Just think of all those digits changing all at once."
"Cooooool." I had Jackson convinced.
"Ten more minutes in bed. I'm in." Katie was onboard.
"9:51" Owen won that minute - and he was in too.
Did you know that 9:56 - if you disregard the colon - is the same rightside up or upside down? We discovered this.
The time change to 10:00 came quickly, it seemed. We all enjoyed it, and shouted with glee. I imagined Megan shaking her head in disbelief in her bedroom. But we'd been watching the clock for nearly an hour, and saw the ten o'clock hour be delivered and projected on the ceiling. Nothing beats that.
Yeah, we liked the movie and the bike ride. But I will always remember that, on Memorial Day 2006, we all sat in bed and watched the time go by for almost an hour. Does life get any better than that?
Time: 9:11am
Setting: my bedroom, curtains drawn
This isn't going where you think. A few months ago, I bought Katie a new alarm clock. More convenient than the famed "Clapper", this alarm clock projects the time onto the ceiling directly above the bed. So, to see the time, you must only lay on your back and stare at the ceiling. (Which has led us to timing activities that really shouldn't be timed - nudge, nudge, wink, wink. But that topic is for a different time...)
Being a non-working day, Katie slept in, as she is want to do. I was already up with the kids, but came back in to dress for the day. For some reason, I jumped back into bed with Katie.
"What are we doing today?" she asked.
"I don't know." I lay next to her, staring at - you guessed it - the time projected on the ceiling. The digital readout said 9:11.
Owen popped into the room. "What sleeves should I wear today?" Which is his way of asking if he should wear long or short sleeves. Katie motioned for him to join us on the bed, which he did. He too stared at the ceiling time.
"What do you want to do today?" Katie asked Owen. Then the clock "flicked" to 9:12, which we all acknowledged with a brief pause in our conversation. Just a slight hesitation, not a conscious pause.
He told us (I don't even remember now weeks later) and Katie told him to go get Jackson and have him come to our room, which he did. But not before more brief pauses at 9:13, 9:14 and 9:15.
Jackson entered and Katie motioned for him to join us on the bed. 9:16. "What do you want to do today, Jackson?"
"Cool," he stared up at the time on the ceiling. "How does that work?" Katie pointed to her nightstand, then ran her hand through the projection to show him how it worked. 9:17. He giggled when it switched.
The 3 of us stared for a few more minutes, blurting "there" or "oh" when the clock changed. We couldn't take our eyes off the clock.
Finally we asked Jackson to go get Megan so we could see what she wanted to do. Owen rejoined us, this time under the sheets, followed in short order by Jackson (also under the covers). Then Megan entered, staring incredulously at her 2 brothers and her parents, laying abreast and tucked snugly into our bed, staring rather intently at the ceiling in a semi-darkened room.
"What are you guys doing?"
"Staring at the clock," I said. "There it goes," we all said as it jumped to 9:20 the second I finished saying the word "clock".
Megan laughed at us, not with us.
"What do you want to do today?" Katie asked Megan.
Megan smushed her way onto the bed with us. We now lay 5 abreast in our queen sized bed. 9:21. We all grunt acknowledgement of the time change.
For the next few minutes we chat about the day - we decide on Over the Hedge and a bike ride. Each minute we stop and acknowledge the time change, either with a surprised giggle or a new convention, first put forward by Jackson, where the first one to say the new time got to ... well, say the new time. It was its own reward.
9:32
"Okay, everyone be quiet until 9:33," I say, mostly because I like to make rules. The room goes silent. You can feel the anticipation. Waiting. Waiting.
Owen can't handle it and giggles. Jackson shushes him.
More waiting. "Wow, long minute," I think.
9:33. The room erupts with laughter. Belly laughs. No, hernia-inducing laughs. We laugh to release the pent up anticipation. We laugh at ourselves. I mean, how silly is this?
After a few more minutes, Megan departs. She's finally decided she's too cool for this - she's almost a teenager now, you know.
At 9:50 we are ready to leave. "We can't go until 10:00" I declare. "Just think of all those digits changing all at once."
"Cooooool." I had Jackson convinced.
"Ten more minutes in bed. I'm in." Katie was onboard.
"9:51" Owen won that minute - and he was in too.
Did you know that 9:56 - if you disregard the colon - is the same rightside up or upside down? We discovered this.
The time change to 10:00 came quickly, it seemed. We all enjoyed it, and shouted with glee. I imagined Megan shaking her head in disbelief in her bedroom. But we'd been watching the clock for nearly an hour, and saw the ten o'clock hour be delivered and projected on the ceiling. Nothing beats that.
Yeah, we liked the movie and the bike ride. But I will always remember that, on Memorial Day 2006, we all sat in bed and watched the time go by for almost an hour. Does life get any better than that?
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